This is why I am afraid to hope. This is why I'm afraid to let myself "go there." Coming from the heights of joy and crashing down to the dark overpowering waters. The framed picture of the embryos stares at me while I do the dishes. I see it through blurred eyes and speak to them. "you could have just stayed. You could have just stayed in there...and attached and grew...." My thoughts turn to God, why? I know you aren't going to tell me the why, but I'm still asking it.
I wasn't blind or dumb. I knew that there was a very good chance this wouldn't work out how we would like it to. I find myself missing the past even, when we were happier, just living and enjoying the holidays without a big event or wait weighing on us. Sure the desire to have a baby in our arms has never ever left, but when you aren't spending every resource you have and every ounce of energy and thought on something it's a different feeling.
I know it's not the end of the road. I know God is going to sustain me and R through life's struggles, yet I still feel so very tired. I feel like someone has flung me off a very tall building and I am laying mangled on the ground. While I lay there someone is kicking me over and over and over.
Please don't feel sorry for us...it's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. There just aren't always answers...really there rarely are answers to some of these deep questions but at least we are alive, we are breathing and God is and HAS sustained us through immeasurable difficulties.
He hasn't left us yet and like Jacob in the Old Testament, I WILL not let Him go until He blesses me. He has promised me He will never leave me nor forsake me, and I will not let go.
We were part of an amazing process, we were able to see life at it's earliest stages and I will forever be thankful for that. I will cherish and not forget those cells that held dna and life and the hope of a future.