Grief.

The bags we brought with us to get our embies are still only halfway unpacked.  It only took me a few days to go through my meds and throw out what I won't need and find what else I can donate.  I've taken down all the snowflake stuff and even all the reminders of TN for now.  

Instead of celebrating, I'm in mourning.  Instead of shouting my joy to the world, I'm depressed, angry, and cry hot tears from my puffy eyes.    Instead of wearing my bruised and knotted back like a badge of love I hate seeing myself in the mirror.  I'm surprised at my anger and my thoughts of giving up on it all.  The last time I was not angry, but sad.  I wish I were there again, and not here.  

All of a sudden I feel so so alone.  It's not that people aren't there.  They are.  They do care, and they do pray.  I don't know why God is saying NO to these prayers, but I do realize that He is.  It's so very obvious.

So many years.  So much grief.  So much loss and pain.  It is a hard road, this one we are on.  I just want to see a glimmer of light.  To see that sunshine, feel it on our heads....the brightness of hope.  It was there, and then it was gone.