2/2/2015 3 Comments
In search of joy.
I want to go back to a time when I wasn't afraid. I want to go back to a time where I felt peace. I want to go back to a time where I felt joy.
Despite the dark nature of my last post, I trust those of you who truly know me will understand that I am not going off the deep end here.
All these emotions and feelings are a normal part of grieving and while they may seem overwhelming at the time they do eventually subside.
They are dark and ugly and sometimes I say things I don't mean, but I am so thankful for the steadfastness of God's grace over my life despite my struggle to submit and rest in His plan.
So in the meantime....I will be here, struggling to see God's face in all this suffering, fighting to stay in His word, to seek peace and pursue it. To spend my thoughts and time on what really matters.
I want to say thank you to those of you who have sent me your love, prayers and verses. I may not have been able to respond at the time, honestly I just had NO words to even say, and my heart felt blank. I've been able to read all you have sent and am truly touched and grateful.
2/2/2015 11:20:35 am
Wow Jess ive never really read your blog much but I must say this very deep I enjoyed reading it. love you and wishing you the best.
2/3/2015 09:00:10 am
Hi there. Michelle Pennington told me that you were going through failed transfers and I just wanted to reach out and say that I've been there. I've gone through five IVF transfers (3 with our genetic embryos and 2 with adopted embryos). Three of the transfers failed and two of them resulted in pregnancy but I miscarried both times. It's devastating and totally grief worthy. At this time last year, we had recently miscarried and decided to put our baby pursuits on hold after four years of trying every option we could. I couldn't bear the thought of not being a mom, but the fear of another loss had finally become greater than the hope that I had hung on to for so long. I can't tell you how many people told me that maybe I "needed to just relax" or stop trying and it would magically happen! I don't think people realize how awful it is to get to the point where you actually choose to give up on the dream of parenthood that you've had your whole life. It's not an easy decision to make. I don't know your whole story, or what you have planned for the future, but I just wanted to encourage you that, a year later, my life is completely different than I thought it would be. God blessed us with a surprise adoption opportunity and a surprise pregnancy in 2014. I can still hardly believe that God has granted me the gift of being mommy to two precious boys. Miracles happen friend. :) Sending hugs and hope from my wounded heart to yours. Hang in there. <3
2/5/2015 02:42:43 am
Sending you prayers, Jess. I understand your grief and also know that the only way to get past it is to just move through it. This past fall my husband and I had a failed IVF where none of our eggs even fertilized into embryos . . . I think I spent a month in a grief-filled haze. It was just painful. I don't know what embryo adoption will bring for us - I hope joy - but for now I live in a world where I'm sometimes hopeful and I'm sometimes filled with fear. I pray and I try to trust in God. The reply above that Denay left gives me hope, who knows what a year could bring?
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