Long night of restless sleep thanks to baby boy in utero, and trying to get ready for church with a cranky toddler make for an impatient Momma. I find myself snapping a bit, over silly things like J being in the bathroom goofing around and worried he'll bump into me while putting eyeliner on. We hustle to get out the door on time, and the reality that soon there will be another little one underfoot and cranky on Sunday morning feels quite overwhelming.
All these little "inconveniences" however continually remind me that I am experiencing these things because I am a Mom. Me...given the diagnosis of "unexplained" infertility. 10 years of longing for these little people to be here, living in my home, needing me to care for them constantly. It's not easy, this parenting thing and the internal ongoing struggle with yourself, the guilt you have when you feel like a failure at the end of the day, or even the beginning of the day. I am so thankful for God's grace in these times and the constant reminder I have that I CANNOT do this in my own strength.
Even tonight, as I try and put my feet up for a few minutes I am interrupted by J and his restless battle with falling asleep and the stubborn teeth that have been trying to bust through those teeny soft gums. I go up and give a dose of advil, some milk and sit in the still-not-dark enough room rocking this little boy. He breathes heavily and deeply as he succumbs to the comfort of my arms and closeness. I am tired, baby brother is kicking but life, in it's rawness and pain reminds me again of this gift of Motherhood and the road we've traveled in preparation for this gift.
Thank you God, for inconvenience in life. I will forever be in awe of the gifts we've been given to raise for a time.
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;