I stare down at the sleepy baby boy in my arms. His eyelashes rest gently on his cheeks and his chest moves up and down in a peaceful rhythm. One hand clutches the collar on my shirt and the other is wrapped behind my waist. I sway back and forth just not quite ready to lay him down, I want more. More time, more snuggles, more memorizing his every sigh, blink, and smile. My heart overflows with love for him and with the knowledge that God loves Him and me so much more than we can even imagine.
My mind wanders back to a time in my life where there was so much jealousy, bitterness and pain. Years of personal struggle with physical issues that many didn't know I even dealt with. Learning how marriage looked for us, and the blending of two separate lives. A time of loneliness and fear, but despite it all there was always the undercurrent of God's hand working in it all. I never turned my back on Him, but just fought for the faith I knew I had to cling to in order to truly live. I felt God pulling me ever closer even when I screamed and cried and questioned.
Then there was finally a positive pregnancy test, just a few days before my 30th birthday. Then a crushing loss, the biggest heartbreak of my life yet as I was told the baby was no longer living at 6 weeks along. The loss of what could have been, a dream in our hearts that would not be fulfilled and grief that we would never know this child on earth. God was so good to heal our hearts though we would never forget the experience. Many walls were brought down in my heart through it and I learned a lot about God and made new connections with other women who had been through the same heartache.
I remember the years of various treatments as well as natural methods in order to bring a child into our lives, the hope we felt each time. The time we learned about embryo adoption and then three trips to TN in 7 months to see if I could carry our adopted child in my womb and complete our family. The friends I've made along the way, many whom I've never even met in person are priceless and will always be close to my heart. Two transfers that didn't work, as many of you know, and then a decision to wait a bit before the last one...our last chance.
J starts to turn his head back and forth a bit, looking to get more comfortable and I lay him down on his perfectly soft white sheet and tiptoe out of the nursery . Tears well in my eyes as I think about the moment just a year ago now when we realized our lives were going to change in a big way. That trip to Duluth to recharge and reconnect with each other after a long and dark winter. Not wanting to face the overwhelming disappointment of another negative test I was reluctant to even take one but finally find the courage. The joy was palpable and R and I could not wipe the smiles and laughter off our faces for days. Oh how much love and peace we felt and words really cannot describe it. He is here now, and I still need to pinch myself to see if it's real.